Spider-Man is one of the most popular superheroes. He may even be Marvel’s most popular character, and they know this—after a long battle with Sony, they’ve finally acquired permission to include Spider-Man in the Marvel cinematic universe. Superhero fans everywhere were ecstatic to finally see Spider-Man fight alongside the Avengers in Captain America: Civil War this past May, but what’s even more exciting is the upcoming movie that will focus on New York’s crime-fighting teenager by himself.
The new movie won’t be an origin story, but will rather depict Peter Parker as a normal high school student desperately trying to juggle his two lives. Those involved with the film have even announced that the movie will be written in the style of John Hughes, whose movies are the epitome of documenting the teenage struggle. For those who haven’t heard of John Hughes, he wrote classics like the Home Alone series, The Breakfast Club, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, and many more. So, if the new Spider-Man is going to be set to a soundtrack of “Don’t You Forget About Me”, what other John Hughes tropes will we see in the film? Full of expectations, we at The Offbeat have created a list of the top ten things we want to see in the upcoming Spider-Man: Homecoming.
10. Spider-Man/Peter Parker has to choose between two equally dreamy love interests (Pretty in Pink)
Everyone knows that the staple of a teen movie is a good old-fashioned love triangle. Just like how Molly Ringwald’s character in Pretty in Pink had to choose between the dashing, rich Blane and the quirky, guy-next-door Duckie, we want to see Peter Parker torn between two love interests. Who will he pick? Will he follow his heart? Will he be too busy saving Manhattan to even pay attention to love? These are the kinds of important decisions every teen protagonist should have to make—because in real life, teens never have to choose between two attractive dates. They usually can’t even get one.
9. Peter takes off his glasses and becomes indescribably attractive (okay, every teen movie)
Okay, this basically happens in every teen movie; why should Spider-Man be exempt? Peter Parker has always been a geek, so what better way to draw in an audience than to turn that geek into a prince charming? All Peter would have to do is take off his glasses, comb his hair, and pump some iron and he’d transform into a solid ten out of ten. Besides, there’s no better way for teens to accept themselves than to get a makeover. You’re just not pretty on the inside unless you’re pretty on the outside, too.
8. Everyone forgets Peter’s birthday (Sixteen Candles)
It should be a requirement that the lead of any teen movie—especially one written by John Hughes—is neglected and altogether misunderstood. Peter Parker makes headlines under his alter ego, Spider-Man, but when he’s just regular Peter, he should be as invisible as any other relatable teen lead. And what better way to show that a character is invisible? Make everyone forget his birthday. Don’t even give a real reason. Just say Aunt May was busy, his friends were wrapped up in their own lives, and—well, Uncle Ben is dead, so. Not a lot of work to do on that one.
Anyways, the only way anyone in the audience will be able to relate to Peter is if the most important day of his year is forgotten, just like Molly Ringwald’s character in Sixteen Candles. John Hughes nailed this concept, and we believe Spider-Man should too.
7. Spider-Man creates a complex Rube Goldberg machine to defeat enemies (Home Alone)
A superhero movie should be packed with action scenes, and the most visually enticing action scenes are long, involved, and painstakingly choreographed. And you know what pairs with those adjectives nicely? Rube Goldberg machines, of course! Think about it: what would you rather see? Spider-Man and the Vulture punching each other? Boring. How about watching the Vulture fall victim to a patch of marbles on the floor, thus tripping over a nearby string that triggers a nine-step process to an anvil falling onto his head? Don’t even bother answering. We already know which one is better.
6. Peter has a quirky foreign sidekick ignorant of American culture (Sixteen Candles)
Spider-Man has always represented American ideals and patriotism. Every single trailer for the original Spider-Man trilogy shows the famous web-slinger in front of a fantastic, rippling American flag. We Americans are a proud people, and a Spider-Man movie is the best place to remind everyone how much we love our country. But how can we slip this pride into the movie if it’s supposed to be like a John Hughes film?
Enter the foreign kid. He just moved to New York, he barely speaks English, and he keeps asking Peter what every typical American thing is. By pausing the movie every five minutes to let Peter explain to his foreign sidekick what a hot dog is, who Lady Gaga is, or how to use the subway, we can all bask with pride at our culture and laugh about show silly it is that this character doesn’t understand it. For bonus humor, the writers could give the foreign kid a name that means something absurd in English. After all, has anyone truly forgotten Long Duk Dong from Sixteen Candles? No. No we haven’t. And that is success.
5. Spider-Man ends up in the Plaza Hotel and giving directions to a lost child (Home Alone 2)
New York is a BIG place, and when you’re chasing the Vulture, it’s easy to get turned around and end up in the Plaza Hotel lobby. (Don’t question this, it can happen.) Now, what would prove that Spider-Man is truly our friendly neighbor? Helping small children, of course. If Spidey takes a minute in the ever-crowded, busy hotel lobby to point a lost child in the right direction, those watching will know he is the real deal.
4. Peter accidentally creates an AI girlfriend (Weird Science)
Peter Parker, as stated earlier, is a huge nerd. He’s always getting into science—you know, inventing web shooters, spider tracers, stuff like that. So, what else could he invent? And what could he invent that would remind everyone of what a relatable, normal teenage boy he is?
A hot girlfriend. Boom.
Anthony Michael Hall’s character in Weird Science will have nothing on Peter Parker. Everyone knows the events that ensue in that movie are a complete mess. Peter would keep everything under control, kick butt as a superhero on top of that, and do it all with a babe at his side.
3. Spider-Man/Peter befriends a scary old man and learns the true meaning of family and Christmas (Home Alone)
Character growth and development is vital in a teen movie. Why would anyone want to watch a teenager act stupid for two hours and not learn anything from it? This is why it just makes sense that Peter Parker should learn the most important lessons of all: acceptance of everyone, regardless of appearance; the importance of family; and, of course, the true meaning of Christmas. When Peter finally lowers his guard and befriends the scary old man that lives on his street, he’ll realize that he misses Aunt May and never wanted his family to leave him alone on Christmas. He could even start going to church by himself every Sunday. Wait a minute—is anyone else experiencing déjà vu? No? Just us? Weird.
2. Peter gets detention, bonds with several unlikely friends, and participates in a dance montage (The Breakfast Club)
There is nothing more high school than breaking the barriers of social cliques and goofing around at detention together. This kind of story would really bring in young viewers excited to relate to what they see on the screen. In fact, it might elevate the actors involved to extreme fame—maybe they would create a fun little club, or a pack, if you will. This idea is so revolutionary, we’re not sure why John Hughes didn’t already write it. Oh well.
1. Spider-Man/Peter skips school, prank calls his principal, drives a Ferrari, eats at a fancy restaurant, goes to an art museum, joins a parade, and crashes the Ferrari (Ferris Bueller’s Day Off)
It’s just Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. It’s literally just Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.
Make it happen, Marvel.
Expect the best Hughes out of this Hughes, Offbeaters, and stay weird.
(This post is accredited to our production team member, Paulina Minnebo)