Hello Offbeaters!

Hope you all are doing wonderfully and not stressed and dousing yourself in coffee and tears on this Thursday.

Well, even if you are super stressed and living off caffeine and dreams, I have the perfect couple minutes of fun and de-stress for all involved.

A choose your own adventure!

Now, this was the shit when I was little. Everyone loved these books. The various stories concocted from a single book was oodles of occupation and joy. So, today, we’re going to have some of our own oodles of fun and joy!

Y’all ready? ‘Cause here we go!

1.) The alarm on your bedside table goes off, and you wearily groan. It feels like you barely slept at all, yet its already time to go to work. You throw your hand over the alarm to shut it off, only to find…

If you found something unpleasant, slimy, and yet-all too familiar, go to 2.)
If you found something unpleasant, slimy, and not familiar at all, go to 3.)

2.) Grimacing fiercely, you find there is a smashed jelly doughnut on your bedside table and your hand is covered in strawberry doughnut jelly. Confused and unsettled, you know that jelly doughnuts are your favorite, but when did one get there? Glancing past the table, you realize there’s a figure standing next to your table, smiling. Its…

If its your dead mother, go to 4.)
If it’s a dashing, brooding young man staring at you, swoon and blush before going to 5.)
If its your SO smiling meekly, go to 6.)

3.) Screaming, you turn to see a mucus oozing monster with spindly limbs and a gaping mouth. Out of its mouth sits a long, snake-like tongue that you just accidentally touched. You are paralyzed with horrendous fear, and as it comes closer…

If you save yourself like the true hero you are with your furious fists, go to 15.)

If you scream again and the cute girl down the hall jumps in with a sword, slaying the monster go to 7.)

4.) Your mother frowns disapprovingly, and picks up the jelly doughnut of the plate with a glare. She says…

If she says she’s never been more disappointed, go to 11.)
If she laughs at you for wasting a doughnut, shoving it in her own mouth, only to have the doughnut fall through, go to 12.)

5.) The attractive young man flashes a dashing smirk your way and nods at the doughnut. “Thought doughnuts were your favorite, but I’ll take that as a no.” You are agape. You’ve never met this man in your life, and he’s being albeit creepy, yet a heavy blush sticks to your cheeks nonetheless. Shaking your head, you come to your senses and ask, “Who are you?” he blinks and responds…

If he says “I’m your husband, don’t you remember me?” go to 8.)
If he says, “I’m the man of your dreams”, go to 9.)
If he says anything else, go to 10.)

6.) Your SO is looking down on you, shrugging awkwardly but with a smile. They brought the doughnut meaning to cheer you up. Their kindness warms your heart and soothes your angst and stress. Take the day off as well as this adventure story and enjoy their well-meaning love. Even if your arm is covered in jelly. END.

7.) Covered in green, slimy blood, the cute girl down the hall takes some deep breaths and grins. As you stare at her in awe, she finally says…

If she says, “oh thank god you’re safe,” go to 13.)
If she says “HA! There can only be one!” and shapeshifts into an even bigger, slimier monster, go to 14.)

8.) Life has just gotten really complicated and we’ll give you time to figure that out for yourself. Its much more than a mere blog post can handle. Go to the doctor, police, and any other reputable source and get this all figured out. END.

9.) Smack the shit out of him and kick his smug, arrogant ass out immediately. Take the day to get a better goddamn lock for your door and file a police report. END.

10.) Kick him out obviously? Unless fantasy, time-travel, or the mafia is involved, there is no good reason for a random man to be in your apartment. Also get new locks. Seriously. And likely a restraining order. END.

11.) We are very sorry and will fund the counseling you need after your mom came back from the dead to still be unkind and horrible to you. Take some time for yourself, friend. END.

12.) Your mother begins to panic, unsure what is happening to her. You stand to comfort her, but your arms fall through her. You begin to panic. Both of you start screaming. It takes hours for you to stop. Once you do, though, you begin a confusing, complex journey to find out why your mother came back. (HINT: Involves pomegranates) END.

13.) She embraces you, seemingly calmed by your safety. You blink, as this was a lot to just process. Your neighbor-crush just saved you from a giant slimy monster in your bedroom. She pulls away and takes a deep breath, looking at you kindly in this embrace. Closing her eyes, she…

If she kisses your lips that way, go to 16.)
If she kisses your lips this way, go to 17.)

14.) Did you really bother? You’re dead. Not even probably. You are definitely dead. Sorry. End of story. END.

15.) You saved yourself, and you’ve lived through the weird-as-hell morning. Go get yourself an ice cream and take the day off; you’ve earned it. Also, move out as soon as possible. END.

16.) You begin to feel tears stream down her cheeks and become even more confused. She pulls away and whispers. “I like you, I always have. But… You’ve seen too much.” And she runs you through. You die in her arms. END.

17.) You immediately are dazed and confused, “You always avoided me…” When she pulls back, she shakes her head. “I always avoided you because I couldn’t get you involved in all of this.” Chuckling, she shrugs. “Guess its too late now. Let’s jump.” She threw a weird, shimmering, purple cube at the wall and it erupted into a swirling vortex. Grabbing your hand, she pulls you towards it. Shaken, you stay frozen and let your hand fall from hers. She turns around and blinks, re-extending her hand to you. “You coming?” You look at the dead slimy monster around your bedroom and shrug. Anything’s gotta be better than work, right?

With a few nervous bounds, you take her hand jump into the unknown.END.

Hope that was fun for everyone! I enjoyed writing it, even if it was a lot.

Now time to rest my sanity, y’all, and I hope you all got some great, crazy adventures.

Have a great weekend, Offbeaters, and we hope you go on more adventures with us in the future, be it here or in the journal.

Get adventurous, watch out for slime and creepy guys, and stay weird.

(This post is accredited to our lovely communications team member and blog manager, Stephanie Marceau)

Choose Your Own Offbeat Adventure

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